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some older poetry stuff

 
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aftermecomestheflood
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Joined: 27 Apr 2009
Posts: 304
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland

PostPosted: Mon May 11, 2009 7:15 pm    Post subject: some older poetry stuff Reply with quote

a rose in his hand
the smell and the taste
the air and the wind
her beautiful face
the look on his face
the love in her eyes
the birds fly happily
the love makes him sigh
the sun goes down
the night will rise
the dew will set
the hands are together
the love in their eyes

------------------------------------------------------------------------

four down, eight to go.
when it will end? no one knows.
a pack of twelve goes too fast but an eighteen pack just might last.
pale ale in a can getting that buzzed felling again.
the hangover wont be bad, just a glass of water to save my ass.
off to work at seven a.m. might be late, have i sinned?
get home at four just after the trip from that liquor store.
popping tops once again, hell pass the gin.



janis ulmanis.
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whers the fucking techno?
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kadium
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Joined: 13 May 2006
Posts: 194

PostPosted: Thu May 21, 2009 1:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

kinda preschoolish
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Mike
I like EL34s


Joined: 20 Apr 2006
Posts: 38022
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland

PostPosted: Thu May 21, 2009 3:25 pm    Post subject: Re: some older poetry stuff Reply with quote

aftermecomestheflood wrote:
four down, eight to go.
when it will end? no one knows.
a pack of twelve goes too fast but an eighteen pack just might last.
pale ale in a can getting that buzzed felling again.
the hangover wont be bad, just a glass of water to save my ass.
off to work at seven a.m. might be late, have i sinned?
get home at four just after the trip from that liquor store.
popping tops once again, hell pass the gin.


Just. Awful.
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DGNR8
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Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4209
Location: DC Area

PostPosted: Fri May 22, 2009 12:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, he could be young for all we know. It takes guts to post poems. Besides, he's from Scotland.

The key to good writing is revision. Keep writing, revise. Read other poets. You can always tell the songwriters who actually READ.
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kadium
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Joined: 13 May 2006
Posts: 194

PostPosted: Fri May 22, 2009 1:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

honestly, i dont think there terrible just kinda boring.
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mezzio13
GOODmin


Joined: 20 Apr 2006
Posts: 14580
Location: Center of the Universe

PostPosted: Fri May 22, 2009 3:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

There once was a man from Nantucket
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Mike
I like EL34s


Joined: 20 Apr 2006
Posts: 38022
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland

PostPosted: Fri May 22, 2009 3:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Writing about how "tortured" and how much of a "hopeless drunk" you are is such a cliché. Especially when the poetry is as gash as that.
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endsjustifymeans
Grown Up Punk


Joined: 10 Feb 2009
Posts: 19442
Location: Ball So Hard University

PostPosted: Fri May 22, 2009 3:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mike wrote:
Writing about how "tortured" and how much of a "hopeless drunk" you are is such a cliché. Especially when the poetry is as gash as that.


Bukowski pretty much made his name from it. Granted, he's an amazing writer and this guy is utter rubbish.
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Reece
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Joined: 14 Jan 2008
Posts: 10347
Location: Kent, UK

PostPosted: Fri May 22, 2009 4:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

clearly none of you are doing it right.

i read it in my head with devvo's voice and "fooking" inserted at random. much better.

also rab. c. nesbitt.
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Ty
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Joined: 20 Nov 2008
Posts: 2265
Location: Cottage Grove, Oregon, U.S.A.

PostPosted: Sat May 23, 2009 4:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Reece wrote:
"fooking" inserted at random. much better.


haha, did that, and read it as

aftermecomestheflood wrote:

four down, eight to fooking go.
when it will fooking end? no one fooking knows.
a pack of twelve goes too fooking fast but an eighteen pack just might last.
pale ale in a can getting that fooking buzzed felling again.
the hangover wont be fooking bad, just a fooking glass of water to save my fooking ass.
off to work at seven fooking a.m. might be late, have i fooking sinned?
get home at four just fooking after the trip from that fooking liquor store.
popping tops once again, fooking hell pass the gin.
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gaybear
Inventor of the Blues


Joined: 20 Apr 2006
Posts: 9617
Location: hard corvallis, oregon

PostPosted: Sat May 23, 2009 4:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

DGNR8 wrote:
Hey, he could be young for all we know. It takes guts to post poems.



seriously.
buncha poop-heads up in this thread.
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Ty
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Joined: 20 Nov 2008
Posts: 2265
Location: Cottage Grove, Oregon, U.S.A.

PostPosted: Sat May 23, 2009 4:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

gaybear wrote:
DGNR8 wrote:
Hey, he could be young for all we know. It takes guts to post poems.



seriously.
buncha poop-heads up in this thread.

my self included, I know I wouldn't post any of my poems. Or lyrics for that matter.
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